If you’ve begun using gentler, neurodiversity-affirming approaches at home, you may already notice small but meaningful shifts—perhaps fewer power struggles, calmer mornings, or your child feeling more understood. However, many parents share a common concern: “That’s all good at home, but school is a whole different story.” The school environment can feel overwhelming when teachers expect strict compliance or fail to recognize your child’s stress as genuine. You might find yourself constantly explaining, advocating, and worrying that your child is being misunderstood. If you’ve ever felt like the “squeaky wheel parent,” rest assured, you’re not alone. What you’re doing is essential: you are advocating—and that truly matters.
Why Advocacy Matters
Children spend a significant portion of their lives at school, making it a critical environment for their development and wellbeing. Unfortunately, when schools don’t understand what’s happening for a child who is autistic, anxious, or has a PDA profile, behaviors often get mislabeled as “defiance” or “refusal.” Yet, what appears as stubbornness on the surface is frequently a manifestation of nervous system distress beneath. The nervous system plays a key role in how children respond to their environment, influencing their ability to engage and learn.
When children receive support that affirms their differences, their capacity to learn, connect, and participate improves dramatically. Advocacy is not about being difficult or confrontational; rather, it is about helping schools gain a deeper understanding of your child’s unique needs. By fostering this understanding, parents and educators can collaborate to create a safer, more supportive school environment that honors neurodiversity.
A Gentle Introduction to Polyvagal Theory
A helpful framework for reframing your child’s behavior—both for yourself and for educators—is polyvagal theory, developed by Stephen Porges. This theory explains how the nervous system shifts between different states, influencing how children feel and respond in various situations.
There are three primary nervous system states to consider:
- Safe and calm (ventral vagal): In this state, children feel secure, connected, and ready to learn. Their nervous system signals safety, allowing for optimal engagement.
- Fight or flight (sympathetic): When children feel unsafe or pressured, their bodies prepare to protect them. This state may manifest as running away, refusing tasks, arguing, or lashing out.
- Shutdown (dorsal vagal): When overwhelm becomes too intense, the nervous system may “shut down.” Children might hide, go silent, or appear “checked out.”
At its core, the brain processes the world in terms of safety: safe or not safe. However, what feels safe to one person may feel threatening to another. For example, I often find that Costco on a Friday before a long weekend doesn’t feel safe to me. I notice my body’s signals: a rising panicky feeling in my chest, irritation towards others, darting eyes calculating wait times, and even questioning if I should leave. Although there is no real danger, my nervous system interprets the environment as unsafe.
Children experience similar sensations in school or daily life. A classroom, playground, or routine that seems fine to adults may feel overwhelming and unsafe to them. Kids with autism, ADHD, PDA, or high anxiety often transition into fight, flight, or shutdown states more quickly and take longer to return to calm. This behavior isn’t “bad” or “defiant”—it’s their nervous system’s way of coping with stress.
When parents and schools view behavior through this lens, it transforms the narrative from “won’t” to “can’t right now.” This shift is key to fostering empathy and support.
Helping Children Build Self-Awareness
One of the most powerful tools in neurodiversity-affirming care is helping children develop self-awareness—the ability to notice and name their internal states. This skill builds both conscious awareness and self-advocacy, empowering children to communicate their needs effectively.
For instance, a child might learn to express:
- “My heart feels fast.”
- “I’m getting overwhelmed.”
- “I need a break.”
- “I feel stuck.”
These phrases are more than words; they are reflections of the body’s signals and feelings. Developing interoceptive awareness—the ability to sense internal bodily states such as heart rate, breathing, and muscle tension—helps children recognize when their nervous system is shifting. Over time, this awareness allows them to communicate earlier, preventing meltdowns or shutdowns.
Parents can support this process by gently reflecting on their child’s physical cues: “I noticed your fists were tight—do you think your body was telling you it felt unsafe?” Sharing this language with teachers encourages consistent support across home and school environments, fostering a shared understanding of the child’s experience.
Practical Advocacy Tools for Parents
Advocacy doesn’t have to be complicated or confrontational. Often, the most effective tools are simple, clear phrases that explain your child’s needs and help teachers respond with empathy. Here are some examples you can use when communicating with educators or school administrators:
- “When my child refuses, it’s not defiance—it’s overwhelm. What strategies can we use to reduce demands in those moments?”
- “My child benefits from choices framed as gentle statements rather than questions that feel like pressure.”
- “When he starts to escalate, could we use a soft transition—like a sensory break or moving to a quieter space?”
You can also request specific supports tailored to your child’s needs, such as:
- Access to sensory tools or a quiet, safe space to regulate.
- Use of visual schedules or first/then boards to provide predictability.
- Permission for preferred-to-preferred transitions, linking less desired tasks to enjoyable activities.
- A teacher or staff member trained to understand PDA or anxiety-driven avoidance.
These practical accommodations can significantly improve your child’s sense of safety and wellbeing at school.
When Advocacy Feels Exhausting
Advocating for your child can be emotionally draining, especially when met with resistance or misunderstanding. It’s easy to feel like you’re “too much” or that your efforts aren’t making a difference. However, it’s important to remember that you are the vital bridge between your child and a system not always designed to meet their unique needs.
Every time you explain your child’s nervous system responses and emotional experiences, you help others see them more clearly. Every small adjustment—a sensory break, a softer transition, a teacher who listens—contributes to your child feeling safer and more able to engage in learning and social connection.
Your persistence fosters resilience and healing, not only for your child but for the broader school community learning to embrace neurodiversity.
Parent Takeaways
To summarize, here are key points to keep in mind when engaging in schyool advocacy for autistic kids:
- Your child’s behavior is a response of the nervous system, not willful defiance.
- The brain categorizes the world as “safe” or “not safe,” but what feels safe to adults may feel threatening to children.
- Teaching children to notice and name their internal states builds self-awareness, emotion
al intelligence, and self-advocacy. - Use simple, clear language with teachers to reframe behavior as overwhelm rather than refusal.
- Request practical supports such as sensory breaks, visual aids, soft transitions, and flexible expectations.
- Advocacy can be tiring, but your voice is essential—you know your child best and are key to their health, safety, and wellbeing.
By joining together—parents, teachers, and schools—through understanding, communication, and conscious awareness of the nervous system’s role, we can create environments where autistic and neurodivergent children thrive. This process is not only about managing challenges but about celebrating neurodiversity as a vital form of human resilience and connection in our world.
